A Simple Way to Overcome Fear of Confrontation

Have you ever hesitated confronting your boss, perhaps a friend, a spouse, or even a client?

Most of us have at some point worried or stayed as far away as possible from confrontation.

If you do whatever you can to avoid confrontation you really are holding yourself back from living life fully. This also translates into holding yourself back from growth, a raise, creating a closer more loving relationship, etc. Essentially if you avoid confrontation, it is highly likely that you also are holding yourself back from achieving what you really want.

Ultimately we fear confrontation with little understanding as to its true meaning. So the first step to overcoming confrontation is to explore what confrontation really is.

Confrontation, put simply, is a form of resistance. Disagreement for example, represents differing opinions about a topic that also brings with it anger or frustration from both sides. For example, the war between Afghanistan and the United States has some disagreement with anger and/or frustration from both sides. And it should be noted that ultimately, disagreements result in misunderstandings that cause the situation to go from bad to worse.

The question here for most of is how can we overcome our fear of confrontation?

Dale Carnegie summed it up best when he said,

"Seek to understand, then to be understood."

What we normally do, is usually seek to be understood first, and then, possibly, if we felt heard and understood, become open to hearing the other person's opinion.

But can you imagine two people who are both seeking to be understood first?! That relationship will go nowhere fast!

When we are clear with what we want and seek to understand where another person is coming from and why they may feel the way they do and understand what they may be going through, we typically shift into a place of openness and receptivity rather than resistance and bitterness. We then no longer resist them and instead respect them and their opinion.

Once this occurs and the other has felt heard, it is not uncommon for the other to open to you and to want to hear your perspective.

So it would be even better to say, "Seek to understand then to be understood, and then respect/honour the other person's opinions."

Imagine two people who are resisting each other's opinions. The are simply not open to what the other has to say. Once this occurs, there are five possible outcomes for the two individuals involved in this type of confrontation:

1. Person A shifts his/her viewpoint in light of Person B.

2. Person B shifts his/her viewpoint in light of Person A.

3. Both individuals stay clear within their own viewpoints and they reach a stalemate resulting in a lose/lose situation with both completely frustrated and as a result neither moves forward.

4. The two leave the relationship to find others who are more aligned with their own viewpoint.

5. The two both honour each other's opinions and choices and as a result work together - we call this communicating through giving and receiving - In essence: Co-creating.

Imagine where the world would be if we followed through on option number 5.!

Imagine where you could be if you followed option 5. more often with your spouse, children, friends, co-workers or staff!

So the quick and dirty answer of how you overcome your fear of confrontation is to avoid focusing on the fact that there is even a confrontation or possibility of one and simply seek to understand where the other person is coming from.

Once he/she has had the opportunity to express his/her viewpoint and you really get where he/she is coming from, then it is time for you to share how you see it and then work together to achieve a unified goal or outcome.

This definitely takes practice to master like everything else. So begin and see what kind of co-creative relationships you can manifest in your life!

I hope this article inspires you to seek to understand, then to be understood, and then to respect and honour other's opinions. If you do you will experience greater connections and much less resistance than ever before and will then have moved through the fear of confrontation.

If you are going through a challenge that you feel requires a third party then I highly recommend a coach who can arbitrate or mediate. A third party is often very helpful to bring fresh ideas to the table and to help the two confronting parties to begin moving forward together again.

I once worked with couple who were wanting to divorce and had spent over $400,000.00 over 4 years on legal fees. With much less money left and at wit's end they decided to pursue working with a coach, who turned out to be me.

Would you know, within 4 hours we had it all sorted out! If only they had been open to this sooner, they would have saved a huge amount of time, money and avoided all that stress.

If you are reading this article because you would like to overcome your fear of confrontation and you either live in or are open to travelling to Toronto, Canada, you definitely will want to attend my newest workshop coming up April 10, 2010 called the Holy Grail of Personal Growth. To find out more click here.

Until next time, may your relationships with others and within your self, be open and inspired!

Warm Regards,

Joshua

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© 2006-2010 Joshua Zuchter. All rights reserved.

This was an article written as part of Joshua's weekly e-zine Be-Inspired that is sent out Wednesdays.

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