Five Questions to Ensure a Lasting Romantic Relationship

"Most people have experienced glimpses of truly ecstatic Intimate Communion: moments of loving so expansive that you lose awareness of your body - and so profound that your heart opens wider than it seems possible. Simple gazes, single hugs can be of such magnitude that the universe is rendered beyond form, if only for a few moments."

-from the book Intimate Communion: Awakening Your Sexual Essence by David Deida

Romantic relationships often seem complex, but are actually very simple. The challenges that we experience in them though, actually come from us as individuals whose complexity we could say runneth over into our relationships with those we love.

While speaking with a client about a year and a half ago, a whole system unfolded in my mind that helped me to understand why the 5 main romantic relationships I have been in throughout my life (none were at the same time) didn't work out. This system also helped me to understand what vibes I had been giving off and what I needed to do differently to attract what I was looking for in someone for a relationship TO work. It is incredibly clear and unbelievably simple. It also explains why over 50% of North American marriages have resulted in divorce over the past 20 years.

If your relationship stays as it is presently, we can also use this system to determine in under one minute whether the relationship you are in will last! The questions at the end of this article are the ones that can be used to do this.

There are 5 areas of our lives that need to be stimulated by a romantic partner for your relationship to last.


The five areas of fulfillment in a romantic relationship include (and are in no particular order):

1. Spiritual Fulfillment (this is really what David is referring to in the above quote from his book Intimate Communion)

2. Emotional Fulfillment (we could also call this maturity and patience)

3. Mental Fulfillment (this includes creative and intellectual stimulation as well as mentally stimulating conversations)

4. Physical Fulfillment (including both sexual contact, romantic embracing and support such as holding hands, kissing, hugging, and cuddling), and

5. External (which includes social and familial relationships, finances, and material possessions)

These are the 5 areas of your life in which you must feel inspired by your partner for your relationship to really be fulfilling and meaningful.

The key, here to determine if your relationship will last, or for that matter, to determine why your relationship is not working or didn't, is in which of these 3 out of the 5 areas are most important to you and which 3 are the most important to your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend.

So as we look at you, you may feel that the three most important of these five areas are spiritual fulfillment, emotional fulfillment, and external fulfillment and in that order.

Your partner, however may have a completely different order and list of his/her top 3.

Your top three need not be the same. However, for your relationship to last and to be one of unconditional love and support, respect and inspiration, you both need to feel stimulated in those top three areas that each of you has and must be willing to support the others' top three areas unconditionally!

Although we shouldn't "need" stimulation from anyone to feel fulfilled or whole, sometimes that is the only way that we can experience fulfillment.

Sometimes, and more often than not, it is the stimulation from others that reminds us who we really are... especially at those times when we are the least centered and grounded, when we need it the most.

If you are in a romantic relationship with someone who is not stimulating you spiritually, and spiritual fulfillment is the most important area of your life, or at least in your top three, you will always feel like you are lacking a connection with your partner.

If you are with someone who is not stimulating you mentally, or put another way, intellectually, then you will feel like you have nothing to speak about, which will result in a feeling of disconnect.

If you are with someone who is not comfortable with themselves physically, or not willing to share their entire body with yours and vice versa along with every aspect of it, you will feel shut out and unfulfilled sexually.

Ideally, you want to be inspired by the person you are in romance with and hopefully, inspiring to him/her as well.

It is when we are stimulated in those top three areas that our walls come down, that we become more open, more loving, more supportive, AND more confident.

This is the essence of intimate communion. This is why if you are fulfilled spiritually by your partner, it won't matter to you if your partner doesn't put the toilet seat down, because you feel fulfilled spiritually by him, so it is a non-issue.

On the other side of this, this is very common for many men who place physical stimulation in their top three. If they are not feeling fulfilled/stimulated physically by their partner, they will become frustrated and possibly even start looking at other women.

The following questions can be incredibly useful to stimulate and invigorate your relationship:

1. What are the top three most important aspects of stimulation for you in your relationship?

a. Spiritual

b. Emotional

c. Physical

d. Mental

e. External

2. What are the top three most important aspects of stimulation for your partner? (don't guess or think you know... ASK YOUR PARTNER!!!)

3. Are you willing to commit to a co-creative relationship with your partner, that involves you loving him/her in those areas that are most important to him/her?

4. Can you be absolutely honest in sharing with your partner your needs and ultimate desires (which may include unspoken fantasies) in those three important areas for you?

5. What is one action you will take this week with your partner to honour each others most important #1 area?

These questions are especially useful if you are single.

As a single person, these questions will be very helpful so that you don't just settle for what comes to you. Instead these questions offer you the opportunity to determine what you truly desire in a relationship and what you are willing to give!

If questions arise for you from this article I would love to hear about them and am happy to answer them. So feel free to e-mail them to me.

There is another beautiful saying, "love is not only experienced in gazing at each other, but rather in gazing forward together in the same direction."

Have a great week and Be-Inspired!

Warmly,
Joshua

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© 2006-2012 Joshua Zuchter. All rights reserved.