Five Questions to Ensure a Lasting Romantic Relationship

"Most people have experienced glimpses of truly ecstatic Intimate Communion: moments of loving so expansive that you lose awareness of your body - and so profound that your heart opens wider than it seems possible. Simple gazes, single hugs can be of such magnitude that the universe is rendered beyond form, if only for a few moments."

-from the book Intimate Communion: Awakening Your Sexual Essence by David Deida

Dear Friend,

The quote above is about discovering communion in a relationship with another person. This means allowing yourself to open up so completely to yourself and to your romantic partner, that time and space cease to exist and all that is left is pure love and unconditional acceptance on all levels of your beings mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Romantic relationships often seem complex, but are actually very simple. The challenges that we experience in them though, actually come from us as individuals whose complexity we could say runneth over into our relationships with those we love.

While speaking with a client about a year and a half ago, a whole system unfolded in my mind that helped me to understand why the 5 main romantic relationships I have been in throughout my life (none were at the same timeJ) didn't work out. This system also helped me to understand what vibes I had been giving off and what I needed to do differently to attract what I was looking for in someone for a relationship TO work. It is incredibly clear and unbelievably simple. It also explains why over 50% of North American marriages have resulted in divorce over the past 20 years.

If your relationship stays as it is presently, we can also use this system to determine in under one minute whether the relationship you are in will last! The questions at the end of this e-zine are the ones that can be used to do this.

There are five areas of our lives that need to be stimulated. Each area needs to be stimulated by a romantic partner for your relationship to last for the long run.

The simplest way to see how this works is to put your left hand out in front of you, palm facing you and spread your fingers apart...

Each finger represents a different area.

The five areas of fulfillment in a romantic relationship include (and are in no particular order):

1. Spiritual Fulfillment (this is really what David is referring to in the above quote by Intimate Communion)

2. Emotional Fulfillment (we could also call this maturity and patience)

3. Mental Fulfillment (this includes creative and intellectual stimulation)

4. Physical Fulfillment (including both sexual contact, romantic embracing and support such as holding hands, kissing, hugging, and cuddling) and

5. External (which includes social and familial relationships, finances, and material possessions)

These are the 5 areas of your life in which you must feel inspired by your partner for your relationship to really be fulfilling and meaningful.

The key, though, lies in which of these three areas are most important to you and which three are the most important for your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend.

So as we look at your left hand, you may feel that the three most important of these five areas are spiritual fulfillment, emotional fulfillment, and external fulfillment.

Now place your right hand in front of you, as this represents your partner. He/she also has his/her top three areas.

Your top three need not be the same. However, for your relationship to be one of unconditional love and support, respect and inspiration, you both need to feel stimulated in those top three areas and must be willing to honour each others' top three areas unconditionally, with love and kindness.

Although we shouldn't "need" stimulation from anyone to feel fulfilled or whole, sometimes that is the path of least resistance, in other words, the only way that we can experience fulfillment.

Sometimes, and more often than not, it is the stimulation from others that reminds us who we really are... especially at those times when we are the least centered and grounded, when we need it the most.

If you are in a romantic relationship with someone who is not stimulating you spiritually, and spiritual fulfillment is the most important area of your life, or at least in your top three, you will always feel like you are lacking a connection with your partner.

If you are with someone who is not stimulating you mentally, or put another way, intellectually, then you will feel like you have nothing to speak about, which will result in a feeling of disconnect.

If you are with someone who is not comfortable with themselves physically, or not willing to share their entire body with yours and vice versa along with every aspect of it, you will feel shut out and unfulfilled sexually.

Ideally, you want to be inspired by the person you are in romance with and hopefully, inspiring to him/her.

It is when we are stimulated in those top three areas that our walls come down, that we become softer, more confident, more supportive and more open. This is the essence of intimate communion. This is why it doesn't matter to you if your partner doesn't put the toilet seat down, because you feel fulfilled spiritually by him, so it is a non-issue.

On the other side of this, this is very common for many men who place physical stimulation in their top three. If they are not feeling fulfilled/stimulated physically by their partner, they will become frustrated and possibly even start looking at other women.

The following questions can be incredibly useful to stimulate and invigorate your relationship:

1. What are the top three most important aspects of stimulation for you in your relationship?

a. Spiritual

b. Emotional

c. Physical

d. Mental

e. External

2. What are the top three most important aspects of stimulation for your partner? (don't guess or think you know... ASK YOUR PARTNER!!!)

3. Are you willing to commit to a co-creative relationship with your partner, that involves you loving him/her in those areas that are most important to him/her?

4. Can you be absolutely honest in sharing with your partner your needs and ultimate desires (which may include unspoken fantasies) in those three important areas for you?

5. What is one action you will take this week with your partner to honour each others most important #1 area?

These questions are especially useful if you are single. As a single person, these questions will be very helpful so that you don't just settle for what comes to you. Instead these questions offer you the opportunity to determine what you truly desire in a relationship and what you are willing to give!

If questions arise for you from this e-zine I would love to hear about them and am happy to answer them. So feel free to e-mail them to me.

There is another beautiful saying, "love is not only experienced in gazing at each other, but rather in gazing forward together in the same direction."

Until next time, may you experience inspiration in your relationship beyond what you have ever imagined and may you always feel the love that is here for you.

Have a great week and Be-Inspired!

Warmly,
Joshua

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© 2006-2010 Joshua Zuchter. All rights reserved.